quite amusing (NPC)

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From: kellyc310
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Date: Tue, 10 Jan 2006 23:20:41 EST
Subject: SF Chronicle
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http://homepage.mac.com/whump/ujname.html

After reading this great article, go to the web address above for your very  
own Unitarian Jihad name. Love, Sister Rail Gun of Quiet Reflection.
 
Friday, April 8, 2005 (SF Chronicle)
JON CARROLL

The  following is the first communique from a group calling itself Unitarian 
Jihad.  It was sent to me at The Chronicle via an anonymous spam remailer. I 
have no  idea whether other news organizations have received this communique, 
and, if so,  why they have not chosen to print it. Perhaps they fear starting a 
panic. I feel  strongly that the truth, no matter how
alarming, trivial or disgusting, must  always be told. I am pleased to report 
that the words below are at least not  disgusting:
Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United  States. We are Unitarian 
Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one  God. The vote of our 
God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two  abstentions. Brother 
Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility of there  being no God at 
all, and his objection was noted with love by  the
secretary.
Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the  United States! Too long has your 
attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of  extremist thought. Too long 
have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions (except  Buddhism -- 14-5 vote, no 
abstentions, fundamentalism subcommittee) made your  head hurt. Too long have 
you been buffeted by angry people who think that God  talks to them. You have 
a right to your moderation! You have the power to
be  calm! We will use the IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic  
expression!
People of the United States, why is everyone yelling  at you??? Whatever 
happened to ... you know, everything? Why is the news  dominated by nutballs 
saying that the Ten Commandments have to be tattooed  inside the eyelids of every 
American, or that Allah has told them to kill  Americans in order to rid the 
world of Satan, or that Yahweh has instructed them  to go live wherever they 
feel like, or that Shiva thinks bombing mosques is  a
great idea? Sister Immaculate Dagger of Peace notes for the record that we  
mean no disrespect to Jews, Muslims, Christians or Hindus. Referred back to the 
 committee of the whole for further discussion.
We are Unitarian  Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been born again, nor 
have we sworn a blood  oath. We do not think that God cares what we read, what 
we eat or whom we sleep  with. Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes for the 
record that he does not  have a moral code but is nevertheless a good person, 
and Unexalted Leader  Garrote of Forgiveness
stipulates that Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity is a  good person, and this 
is to be reflected in the minutes.
Beware!  Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups with 
brains enough to  understand the difference between political belief and personal 
faith, the  Unitarian Jihad will begin a series of terrorist-like actions. We 
will take over  television studios, kidnap so-called
commentators and broadcast calm,  well-reasoned discussions of the issues of 
the day. We will not try for  "balance" by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for 
balance by hiring non-ideologues  who have carefully thought through the 
issues.
We are Unitarian  Jihad. We will appear in public places and require people 
to shake hands with  each other. (Sister Hand Grenade of Love suggested that we 
institute a terror  regime of mandatory hugging, but her motion was not 
formally introduced because  of lack of a quorum.) We will require all lobbyists, 
spokesmen and campaign  managers to dress like trout in public. Televangelists 
will be forced to take  jobs as Xerox repair specialists.
Demagogues of all stripes will be required  to read Proust out loud in 
prisons.
We are Unitarian Jihad, and  our motto is: "Sincerity is not enough." We have 
heard from enough sincere  people to last a lifetime already. Just because 
you believe it's true doesn't  make it true. Just because your motives are pure 
doesn't mean you are not doing  harm. Get a dog, or comfort someone in a 
nursing home, or just feed the birds in  the park. Play basketball. Lighten up. The 
world is not out to get you, except  in the sense that the world is out to 
get everyone.
Brother  Gatling Gun of Patience notes that he's pretty sure the world is out 
to get him  because everyone laughs when he says he is a Unitarian. There 
were murmurs of  assent around the room, and someone suggested that we buy some 
Congress members  and really stick it to the Baptists. But this was deemed 
against Revolutionary  Principles, and Brother Gatling Gun of Patience was 
remanded to the Sunday  Flowers and Banners committee.
People of the United States! We  are Unitarian Jihad! We can strike without 
warning. Pockets of reasonableness  and harmony will appear as if from nowhere! 
Nice people will run the government  again! There will be coffee and cookies 
in the Gandhi Room after the revolution.  
Startling new underground group spreads lack of panic! Citizens  declare 
themselves "relatively unafraid" of threats of undeclared rationality.  People can 
still go to France, terrorist leader says.
Michael  row the boat ashore, and then get some of the local kids to pull
the boat  onto the dock, and come visit with _jcarroll_ 
(mailto:jcarroll) . 
Copyright 2005 SF Chronicle